The European soccer championship is down to the last 16 and so maybe you think it’s time to unglaze your eyes so you can contribute to your immigrant family’s long conversations about it.

The problem is you have no idea about Euro 2020 (or is it 2021?) or have any clue about soccer! Don’t worry my little droogy, we have you covered. Here is BOMB’s tongue-in-cheek guide to Euro 2020 by understanding 10 of the remaining teams through a fitness lens.

England

Would be Peleton. Solid, but boring to watch, and not as good as the press makes them out to be. Great marketing.

Italy

The Pull-Up. Italy used to be the bicep curl - nice to look at but not very functional. This year, they’ve graduated to The Pull-Up - still sexy, but also really useful.

Ukraine

The Thigh Master. Everyone’s surprised that they’re still around.

Netherlands

The Leg Press Machine. Gone and not respected for years. Now making a comeback.

France

The Bench Press. Who needs a back when your front is as good as this.

Germany

The Goblet Squat. Always there and you secretly think they’re beatable. But when the weight and pressure increases, you suddenly realise you don’t want to face them.

Portugal

Zumba. Just when you think they’re gone you turn around and, somehow, they’re still there.

Belgium

The Diet Pill. Belgium hit the genetic lottery 5+ years ago, turning from a nobody team to ranked #1 in the world, despite remaining trophy-less. They are the diet pill - better get results and win something before everyone starts thinking you’re not as good as you say you are.

Spain

Mountain Climbers. Will destroy you if you underestimate them.

Wales

The Battle Ropes. You don’t quite understand them, or why they’re there, but are really fun nonetheless.